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EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction
I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded,
must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors,
I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair... must try this on their bed.
DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of,
and to try to strike fear into their hearts.
They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.
This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo."
What sick minds could invent such a liquid.
My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.
I was placed in solitary throughout the event.
However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer".
More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies".
Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.
He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly.
I am certain he reports my every move.
Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time....
The Pharmacist
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to the male pharmacist.
The woman he spoke to said she was the pharmacist and she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with
The man said it was something he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confidnet that she would treat him with the hightest level of professionalism.
The mang agreed and began, ' This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection.
It causes me a lot of problems and severe embrassassment.
I was wondering what you could give me for it?'
The Pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll got talk to my sister.'
When she returned, she said, 'We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, one third ownership in the store, a company car and $3000 a month living expenses!'
Scotland
In the beginning, the Lord God Almighty, sitting on his throne on high, turned to his mate, the Archangel Gabriel and said "Gabby, today I'm going to create Scotland, I will make it a country of dark beautiful mountains, purple glens and rich green forests.I will give it clear swift flowing rivers and I will fill them with salmon. The land shall be lush and fertile, on which the people shall grow barley to brew into an amber nectar that will be much sought after the world over. Underneath the land, I shall lay rich seams of coal.
In the waters around the shores, there will be an abundance of fish and beneath the sea bed, there will be vast deposits of oil and gas." "Excuse me sire," interrupted the Archangel Gabriel, "Don't you think you are being a bit too generous to these Scots?"
"Shit no", replied the Lord,"Wait till you see the fuckin' neighbours I'm giving them."
Pending Divorce
A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"NO," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"it is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"NO," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is'yes'."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
English Council Complaints
These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof, I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 600am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.
17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.
18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.
IRISH LENT
An irishman, newly moved into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three Guinnesses, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three stouts and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.
Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the Subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" "Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart.
This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know - the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
Comeback of the Year!
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the Teacher smiles sympathetically at thestudent, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Show me the money
A dad walks into a market followed by his ten year old son.The kid is spinning a coin in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market, someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment. The coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face and dad starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well-dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market , reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. She then gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the money to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic! Are you a doctor?"
"Good heavens, no," the woman replies."I'm a divorce attorney."
When working under your vehicle...especially in public.
From the Morning Herald, Sydney Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
The Rural Australian Thesaurus of Computer Terminology
(in Australian slang: Barbie = Barbecue; Ute = Utility truck, Pick up truck;
Tinnies = Beer cans;
Mozzie = Mosquito)
Log On - Make the barbie hotter
Log Off - Don't add any more wood
Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbie
Download - Get the firewood off the ute
Hard drive - trip back home without any cold tinnies
Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once
Keyboard - where you hang the ute, and bike keys
Window - what you Shut when it's cold
Screen - What you shut in the mozzie season
Byte - What mozzies do
Bit - What mozzies did
Mega Byte - What Townsville mozzies do
Chip - A bar snack
Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem - What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster
Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K mart
Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe - What holds the shed up web - what spiders make
Web Site - The shed or under the verandah
Cursor - The old bloke who swears a lot
Search Engine - what you do when the ute won't go
Yahoo - what you say when the ute does go
Upgrade - A steep hill
Server - The person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things
Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
internet - Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape - when fish manoeuvres out of reach of net
Online - When you get the laundry hung out
Off line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up
THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY:
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and facemask.
A post mortem revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.
Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and then flown to the forest fire and emptied.
You guessed it.
One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breaststroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998
STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY?
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife up lighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the petrol, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released to come home.
Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor.
His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.
She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm.
Taken from a Florida Newspaper.
Having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse .....
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
And finally .......
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Your day's not so bad, is it .........................
CATHOLIC MATH
Little Tommy (who is Jewish) was doing very badly in math.His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres, in short, everything they could think of.
Finally, in a last-ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work.
His mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise little Tommy got an A in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, whaaaat was it???? Was it the nuns??" Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms???? WHHHHAAAATTTT was it????"
Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, 1 knew they weren't fooling around."
Bless me Father
An 80 year old man went into the confessional and told the priest the following:'Father, I am an 80 year old man, I'm married, I have 4 children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two 18 year old girls. We partied and made love all night long.'
The priest said, 'My son, when was the last time you were at confession?'
The old man said, 'I have never been to confession, I'm Jewish.'
The priest said, 'Then why are you here telling me this?'
The old man said, 'Father, I'm telling everyone!'
Paddy and Mike
Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the piss.They don't have any money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot.
Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick 'Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police.'
Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried.
'What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!'
To which Mick replies 'I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy'
Whereupon Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts 'You fucking idiot Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way.'
THINGS YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW!
Every year, parks in London alone are doused in one million gallons of dog urine.The germs present in human faeces can pass through up to ten layers of toilet paper.
The best recorded distance for projectile vomiting is 27 feet.
Contrary to popular belief, if you swallow chewing gum it does not stay in the gut. Usually it will pass-through the system and is excreted without incident. However, several cases have been reported where the gum has stuck in the rectum, causing the unfortunate sufferer to excrete long sticky trails of gum, like a pink spider's web.
Several well-documented instances have been reported of extremely obese people flushing aircraft toilets whilst still sitting on them. The vacuum action of these toilets sucked the rectum inside out.
It is possible to cough your guts up. If your body's natural defenses failed, the bacteria in your gut would consume you within 48 hours, literally eating you from the inside out.
What is one of the most difficult items for sewage works to handle, as it is insoluble, yet fine enough to pass through most filtration systems? (Every month Thames Water removes over a ton of this substance from its water treatment plants, whereupon it is taken away to a landfill site and buried) You guessed it - pubic hair.
Parasites count for 0.01% of your body weight.
Henry II was murdered by his homosexual lover, who pushed a red-hot poker 0.5 metres up his rectum.
The longest recorded tapeworm found in the human body was 33 metres in length.
A woman who had recently visited South America, where she had safaried in local rainforest, began to experience severe pains in her left ear, accompanied by headaches, dizziness and constant rustling sounds, at first put down to tinnitis. It became so serious that exploratory surgery was required, which revealed that a spider which had become trapped in her ear. Eventually it had eaten through her eardrum and was living within the aural cavity. The rustling sounds were from the spider crawling around inside her skull. An egg sac was also removed...
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table .
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any budgies.
HOW TO SCREW UP AN INTERVIEW
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this.
We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.
The lowlights:
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
15. "His attaché [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security,"
18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."
Take a Shower!
These are the differences between men and women when taking a shower. It might ring a bell!!How To Shower Like a Woman:
1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you slept in because there was a distinct chill in the air at bedtime due to the temperature has dropped below 70 degrees.
2. Walk to the bathroom wearing a long robe and a towel on your head. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately. Ignore his juvenile turban jokes, and then rush to bathroom.
3. Turn on the hot water only and let run.
4. Look at your womanly figure in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam, and adjust the water to a temperature slightly below its boiling point.
6. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
7. Wash your hair with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
8. Rinse.
9. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
10. Rinse.
11. Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
12. Rinse.
13. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamprey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
14. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
15. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
16. Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
17. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that it has all come off).
18. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered, and anyway, the hair helps keep you warm.
19. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.
20. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet (or turns on the sink) and you get a rush of hot water.
21. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
22. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
23. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a tiny blemish. Attack with nails and/or tweezers if found.
24. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban jokes, and then rush to the bedroom.
How To Shower Like a Man:
1. If you wore clothes to bed last night, take them off while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your wife along the way, flashes her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecks. (no)
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check quickly for pecks again. (no)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits.
10. Wash your body.
11. Wash your butt.
12. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
15. Close door.
16. Pee.
17. Snack on "Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake".
18. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
19. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel. If you pass your wife, flash her!
CRAZY MAN ANNOUNCES PLANS TO STAND IN DOORWAY, YELL AT CARS ALL DAY
ALHAMBRA, CA--Area crazy man Dennis Fife held a press conference Tuesday to announce that on Oct. 8, he will stand in the doorway of the office building at 2600 Kenilworth Avenue and yell at cars all day.
Addressing reporters, the 47-year-old Fife said, "At pproximately 9:30 a.m. on the day in question, shortly after I finish lunging at dogs, I will proceed to the front steps of the Simmons Building and yell loudly for nine hours. The screaming will be broken by a 15-minute fit of rigid catatonia, most likely in the late afternoon."
Among the topics Fife plans to address during his nine-hour rant: the ace of diamonds, bookshelves, the man trying to kill him, those goddamn bananas, people from St. Louis, closed-up straws, Trapper John, MD, and papers, papers everywhere.
"I may briefly stray from my agenda to urinate into the revolving door at the building's entrance," Fife said, "but, for the most part, I will focus on the task at hand and spend the bulk of the day yelling at the various passing cars."
Though Fife said he will shout at any vehicle that goes down Kenilworth Avenue, he will focus primarily on Volkswagen Beetles, pick-up trucks and late-'80s Mitsubishi Galants. Fife also noted that he will attempt to gain the attention of bicyclists by shouting, "Hey there, Mr. Bike-man."
"A lot of what I intend to yell will be pre-planned--it will be things I've shouted at cars before," said Fife, chewing on his right forearm. "But I definitely want to leave open some room for improvisation. For instance, if a red car passes by, I might be inclined to shout at the driver, 'Where'd you get the fancy red car?' But then, if another red car drives by a bit later, I might become angry and demand that the driver stop and give me kidney beans."
Fife has already begun preparations for the event. On Monday, he worked late into the night making a bowl of Kraft macaroni and cheese, which he said he will bring with him and throw into the street, handfuls at a time. He has also set aside his lucky rubberband and a tree branch for the occasion.
While Fife has vowed to remain in the office building's doorway throughout his nine-hour yell session, some observers speculate that he will wander over to the nearest corner, where he could have access to vehicles slowing down to make the turn onto Canyon Drive.
"That corner is going to be extremely tempting for Mr. Fife," Alhambra city councilmember Lorraine Schmidt said. "Not only do the cars slow down there, giving him better access to drivers, but there is a mailbox he can spit into. I can't imagine he'll be able to stand in that doorway all day with the corner in full view without giving in to the urge to go over there."
Alhambra police chief George Jaeger predicted Fife would be successful in his venture, praising his remarkable tenacity and determination.
"When Mr. Fife sets his mind to something, he does it," Jaeger said. "Whether it's tearing pages out of a phone book, swallowing metal washers, or selling a discarded Roxette CD to an imaginary friend for $600, every project he undertakes is a bona fide success. This truly is one focused loon."
Men Know
Men know..... that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.Men know..... that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.
Men know..... that if she looks like your mother, run.
Men know..... that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.
Men know..... never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
Men know..... that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.
Men know..... how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
Men know..... exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.
Men know..... that from time to time, is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.
Men know..... that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage.
Men also know. that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.
Men know..... that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how to cook them
Men know..... that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi...
Men know..... that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.
Men know..... that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.